Pre-season

In the weeks leading up to the beginning of Round 1, the 12wbt-ers were required to complete a number of tasks. These included making a solid commitment to the program, setting goals, cleaning all the yummy evil things out of your pantry, a short fitness test, measurement recording, organising your diary and purchasing some gear. These tasks took a little time but were not difficult. The one task that really took some soul searching was the task where we were required to list all of our "excuses" for not eating well, exercising, etc. This got me thinking, where did it all start? How did I get here?

At 32 years of age, I like to take responsibility for my own actions, but I can't help but think that you're also, to at least some extent, a product of your environment and upbringing. Both sides of my family are European and food is a massive, massive part of both cultures. Not just food, but excessive food. Every celebration, get together or occasion revolves around eating lots of carbolicious and calorific food; usually force fed by one of my grandmothers who, to my detriment, are/were amazing cooks. To them, being a bit chubby is a sign of good health!! 

For a lot of my childhood and formative years, I witnessed my mother's consistent dissatisfaction with her appearance, particularly her body. Now, she is a perfectly normal size and weight, but she has spent decades bouncing from fad diet to fad diet, and has even resorted to more drastic weight loss measures on more than one occasion. I think that, through some proximity osmosis type thingy, I also grew up being very self conscious about my body. 

I was a small baby and a skinny kid. Somewhere around Year 9, I stacked on a whole lot of weight for no apparent reason and became the fat kid in the class, peaking at about 70kg at 5'3". It was horrible being 14 and having to buy size 14 jeans. This only lasted a couple of years (but not without some mental scars) and then, again without apparent reason, I gradually dropped to 54kg in Year 12. Maybe it was a growing thing. Shrug. The hilarious part, in hindsight, is that even at 54kg, I thought I was a beast! I look at back at photos now and would give my left bum cheek to be as "fat" as I thought I was then!!!!!!!

I maintained that weight through my first university degree, then it slowly started to creep back on when I moved out of home and started working odd hours and shift work in an industry where free food was always available. Still, even then, I levelled out at about 60ish for most of my 20s. It has only been the last 5 or so years that I've really stacked it on. 

What changed? Plenty, when I think about it. I was in a horrible relationship for about 8 years, most of which I was severely depressed. I turned (and still turn) to food for comfort, and I needed a hell of a lot of comforting. I didn't get out. I didn't move. I didn't socialise, so I didn't care what I looked like and stopped making any effort. I had also quit full time work and went back to uni to do my Masters full time; lots of study snacks were apparently required for optimal concentration. Nod. Yes. Nod.

And then? This shitty, lazy, excuse-filled lifestyle became the norm. It was exacerbated by me working in an extremely stressful, exhausting, draining and demanding job which had me working between 10-14 hours a day and unable to sleep. I trained myself to make excuse after excuse and I only have my self to blame. Take away 3-4 nights a week and litres of Coke, chocolate and sugar were required to placate me.

Sure, I tried all the fads, like my mum; Sure Slim, Atkins, juice, the effing cabbage soup!!!!!! Blerghh!!!! Sure, I lost weight, but the diet was not sustainable and I'd inevitably cheat and quit. Then the weight would come straight back, plus a few bonus kilos.

I am an emotional eater. I realise this now. I eat to make myself feel better. I eat to celebrate. I eat to mourn. I eat when I'm sick. I eat because I'm bored. I rarely eat because I'm hungry. I live from meal to meal, wondering what I'm going to have for my next meal. And carrot sticks, a glass of water or any of that healthy shit just won't cut it. I need spring rolls, apparently. Don't forget the sauce.

These are my excuses. These are what lead me here. These are what I have used as a crutch.

I'm too tired to cook/exercise.

I don't have any energy.

I'm too stressed.

I *need* sugar/chocolate/caffeine and I will act like a total pork chop until I get them because I'm experiencing some hysterical withdrawal.

I'm genetically destined to be fat, so what's the point?

I'm not seeing results fast enough. I quit.

I can't cook anything as good as take away tastes.

It's too dark or cold to go for a walk.

I feel stupid sweating over the smallest of efforts at the gym while skinny bitches in Lycra are running laps around me.

I don't have time.

There are probably more but these are the main culprits...

...but not anymore. I've made a decision to change. No fads, no quick fixes. A permanent lifestyle change. A change of habits. These things take time, commitment and consistency. It's going to take some time to erase all of the bad habits I've accumulated. It will happen, I just need to stick with it.

The goal? To lose 15kg. I marry my best friend in September this year. I'm the type of person that needs a tangible objective and my wedding, although certainly not the end of this journey, is proving to be a solid motivator.

2 weeks ago, before I even considered joining the 12wbt, I signed up for some personal training sessions. For the past 2 weeks, I have been getting up at 6:00am (which, trust me, is a HUGE deal for me) and training at the gym 3 days per week. Coupled with a conservative nutrition plan, I have already lost over 2kg so far. I can already feel the difference. I'm sleeping better, my insides feel better and I have more energy. It is getting easier and easier to fight the cravings, but I'm not a saint and I've slipped up a couple of times, which is why I looked into the 12wbt last Wednesday. When I saw the next round was starting on Monday, I took it as a sign! I was also inspired by so many wonderful stories on the website and on Facebook.

I completed my pre-season tasks with enthusiasm and then eagerly awaited my first nutrition plan, exercise plan and shopping list. When they came through, I was completely overwhelmed, questioning what the heck I'd got myself into! I'm feeling a bit better about it all now. I just think its going to take a high level of organisation, planning and willpower. I already started the hard part by myself, I just need to ramp it up a bit now.

Well, there it is...and here I go!